A little bit of personal reflection.

I think I am finding my way out of the fog of pain killers and muscle relaxers and back into the bright array of yarn, knitting books, gadgets and my seemingly unlimited supply of unfinished projects.  My goal is to just make some significant progress on something today.  Maybe not actually finish something, but at the very least feel confident that I have done something real, something I can touch, feel and be proud of….something that will brighten my day.

I started to knit as a past time, something to do when I was bored.  Knitting has become more than that to me.  It now is something to pull me out of my hole of self-pity.  It is my effort to be a part of society.   There are so many programs out there to get the elderly out, to keep the disabled or handicap busy.  I feel like I am in a lost dark hole, a mother with plenty of things to do here at home, but not the strength to feel I’ve made a difference.  There is always work for a mom to do, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, but what happens when mom can only be on her feet a few hours a day…and not even all at once.

There are so many things I’ve learned about myself while my foot heals.  How much importance I placed on “being the mom”, but now this has all made me question what “being the mom” really is….how can I be the mom now, right now, just as I am.  Without my faith in God, I know I would be feeling  much more lost.  I truly believe that God has a purpose for me.  That somewhere on the other side of this struggle, there will be greater meaning.

Somehow I do know my knitting, falls within this purpose.   My knitting gives me an excuse to open my home to others.  My knitting allows me to bless others with a little something special.  My knitting gives me a chance to pray for others.  As I knit projects, not always, I’m no saint,  I like to pray for the person receiving it, when I remember too.  Somewhere, I read about prayer shawls, and the ministry hit home, the request was for women to make them, but not just make them, pray for the person who would receive it.  I felt convicted, how many hours I’ve spent knitting could now be put to use in a Greater way.  God wants our prayers, wants our hearts turned towards him.  I will use my knitting as an outlet, prayer, pain, frustration, love…the pieces I knit carry so much of myself with them.  I hope that when people see them they consider the hours, thoughts and prayers put in them and consider what a wonderful Maker, who so carefully knit us in our mothers womb.  Thank you, God, for giving me something to carry me through this.

I’m still here

Just a quick note to let the world know I am still here. I went in for my third procedure on the arterial vascular malformation in my foot, knitting in tow. I didn’t however, get to knit as much as I would’ve liked. This was by far my most painful procedure. Just before heading to the operating room, the Dr. said it was very likely that much of my pain leading up to this third procedure was due to a secondary condition because of not being able to walk properly my foot likely has plantar fasciitis also. I had to stay on oxygen and the pain meds just kept coming with not the greatest results the first day. Hopefully, the other experts being brought on board to cover my secondary condition will help me kick some of these drugs I now have to take to get through the day and sleep some at night. I did knit wash cloths at the hospital and gave them to the nurses until I ran out, passed on knitting websites and shared some of my favorite books. I love that no matter where I am knitting will connect with me someone, whether it’s a gift passed on, a shared passion, an introduction to a great past time or just the knowledge that knitting can visibly relax someone in pain. I am glad that God has given me this ability to create and to share my creations. Now I am working through my fog of pain to push on with my knitting and hopefully not make too many mistakes because all this tearing out is discouraging, I will press on and in my fog finish something more…..and here in my fog I almost forgot I managed to knit two hats in three days….I will knit my way out of the fog.

Now a little description about the first hat.  My very good friend, Amanda, came by to visit me and mentioned it was hat night at her church’s Wednesday night program.  Having five kids of her own, she mentioned she needed to find a hat for one of her boys.  Well, I couldn’t resist and in my drug induced stupor I hopped around on my crutch positive we could find the right yarn to match his coat and of course I could whip out a hat for her son.  I am not sure what I was thinking but it worked.  We found the yarn and amid some fun conversation, always fun while medicated, the hat was completed….just in time for her to run out the door and get her kids to church.  I have decided one of the hardest things about being unable to get around, is not feeling needed.  I am sure she would’ve found a hat, but it felt wonderful to feel needed, useful, productive….better than any painkiller taken that day.

Aidan’s hat

The second hat was a gift to my second son.  He left this weekend for his first youth group trip.  It is his first time being away for the weekend and he has outgrown his favorite elf hat I knit him.  I am happy he is growing up and I am even happier he proudly wore the hat I so lovingly knit for him.  Pictures will have to be added later.  I am seriously in awe that my kids love my knitting and wear it proudly…..it makes me feel loved knowing they are proud of my love….does that make sense…if not I’ll just blame the pain meds.  Time to stop rambling, thanks for reading.

Frustrated Day

Have you ever had days that were just frustrating for no specific reason, just frustrating. Today is that day. I know my foot pain is part of it. For no apparent reason, it has decided to get worse through out the day, not better, no matter how long I keep it elevated or which pain reliever I take. Maybe it is because I am tired. It doesn’t really matter, the day is about over and I am not pleased with what I have accomplished. I had high hopes for the knitting I would finish, the projects I would start and the movies I would watch. After reruns, a partially knitted dishcloth, and some games on Facebook, here I sit. Where do I turn when I am frustrated, apparently my blog….haha. I have turned to prayer, I realize not always as seriously as I should, but then I also realize how many others out there must feel the same too. So out of a need to belong, I am sharing my frustrations knowing that somewhere out there someone else is having a frustrating day. Knitting or not, some days are strange for all of us, even those who don’t take the time to read my blog. I will take comfort in the fact that I am not alone, and hope that I haven’t made too many of you drop my blog on your list of must reads, just because of my off day. Hope tomorrow is better….for all of us!

the dish cloth

 

Restless Knitting

Is there a cure for restless knitting syndrome???  I’m in desperate need of a cure.  For some reason, unknown to me, when things get stressful, I reach for a new knitting project.  As my foot heals, and new challenges arise, (like climbing in and out of the van, I know, difficult, huh?) my painkiller of choice is new knitting projects.

I found a new book at the bookstore and immediately had to start at least one of the patterns, if only to justify the purchase.  By morning, I had to cast on a lace shawl, just to have something else to work on when the checkerboard (new book pattern) might get a  little boring. Not to mention the I-cord I had to start this morning to finish the baby hat that I had barely cast-off before beginning the so-called cast-on shawl.  As if I really have time to knit all of this, maybe I should re-injure my foot just so I can keep up with all my cast-ons.  Or I could just get one more knitting bag to carry these projects with me wherever I go, I am sure my husband would love this idea.

It is at this point, on behalf of my husband that I will put a request out there, for any known cure for this restless knitting syndrome, I am positive it is a disease that only progresses with time, that no amount of yarn stashed can cure, book buying only worsens, and time off my feet has decidedly aggravated.   This is a cry for help, or maybe just a plea for  compassion and understanding…..I will finish these projects, someday.

The start of a lace shawl

The just begun Checkerboard

The unfinished baby hat